Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Rain.
I wrote this post last week when the weather matched the emotions rolling around in me and my family. Life sometimes will make you hit your knees in earnest prayer causing you to pray harder than you have ever had to before. Although news came after this post that was like the first ray of sunshine after a hurricane the storm still rages. The story is not over. But with all storms and stories an ending will come...
It's cold. The skies are covered with the gray clouds of rain. It's been saturnine all week. Rainy, cold, gloomy, rainy, cold, gloomy, rainy… Yet, it is still so incredibly beautiful. The bright white clouds that reflect the sunshine underneath are intermingled with the rain clouds in a beautiful waltz of dark and light. Rain smells like summer. You know. The smell of earth and heaven mixed together. Yeah, summer. Its coming. I always find it amazing how different Rain is during fall and winter and spring and summer. As though each season has to present us with its own unique Rain. Spring Rain is cold and sings of the beginning of life. Summer Rain is full of memories of sun bathing and water fights and night games. This is Rain’s favorite season. She likes to sprinkle down memories of times long forgotten but not swept away. Fall Rain is cool and refreshing. It wipes away the stickiness of the summer heat and prepares the earth for a long awaited cleansing. It speaks of campfires and roasted marshmallows and baseballs games under field lights. Winter Rain is biting. Yet at the same time it turns into these magical little white flakes as it falls to the earth in a blanket of white. White. The color of purity, of innocence, of perfection. Rain is life and life is Rain. Each season blessing us with goodness and happiness. But like everything else, Rain has its dark side. It can turn violent and ravenous and deadly all at once. What were just moments before of blissful cleansing gifts of Rain, has now turned into a storm of seismic proportions. Sheets of glass begin falling. As you quickly begin gathering your items to run to safety, the storm becomes stronger and more demanding. You hold up your arm in protection and feverishly begin pushing yourself out of the storm to safety. Suddenly the sleeting rain turns into frozen bullets that pelt your skin at such a rapid pace that it causes you to fall to your hands and knees as you claw your way to a safe haven. It can’t get much worse than this. You can make it. Unfortunately, like life, Rain has its own agenda. What was once frozen bullets, has now turned into frozen fractals of glass - cutting, slicing, ripping your skin apart. There is no where to turn. No answers for your questions. It is torture at its finest. You’re lost and untrusting because you know at any moment Rain can turn on you and become an enormous hurricane that is going to toss you, tumble you, drop you, pick you up again and throw you so far pass normal that you won’t even know what normal is anymore. And still no answers. Nothing concrete. And the thunder continues to roll and the lightening strikes. The storm rages on. You are unable to move anywhere and you have to just sit and wait. Sit and wait. Sit and wait. You cling to any shred of hope Rain will throw your way…
To be continued...
Saturday, April 9, 2016
A change...
I have decided to make some changes. For years I have powerlifted and weightlifted without doing any competitions or shows or anything because I did not want the thing I loved doing so much to become a task I started hating. But we should just get to the real issues. The most likely is, is that I hate crowds and being judged and evaluated and, oh, a whole bucket full of insecure excuses. So I hired a coach. Because, well, I was starting to burn out from doing the same old thing and I was just unmotivated, just so unmotivated. So I hired a coach. The first thing he asked me "what is your goal"? Um, what?! A goal? Like a commitment? Pfft, what is that and yeah that does not work for me. He gets right in my face and firmly says "you need a goal. Something to keep your focus". Hello! That is why listen to classical music when I am pulling deadlifts and pushing squats but not when I am box jumping, that requires Def Leopard. Focus, me?! I have focus. "Well, think about it and let me know". Okay, I will think about it. And then the influenza hits and hits hard. Muscle aches, fever, an insane sore throat that makes me what to rip my throat out and full blown laryngitis. I had ten full days to do nothing but think. Goals it was. I knew a marathon was out. I hate running and, frankly, in my opinion, marathons are overrated but I think it is way cool that someone can run 26.3 miles without going completely crazy. Do you have any idea what kind of "goals" I can get completed in the four hours that it takes to run a marathon. Needless to say, in my world marathon = shopping. Boring! Next was cross fit. Love doing cross fit....to an extent. I don't necessarily agree with the insane number of cleans you have to throw in a WOD. Yeah, probably not. So next was weightlifting or powerlifting. Now your talking. I love the moves they do in weightlifting. Cleans, snatches, jerks....awesome, freaking movements. LOVE. But I have a lot of work ahead of me because my form pretty much stinks at this point but would definitely improve. So maybe. But power lifting?! Squats, deads, bench press. Now your talking. My goal? Sure why not? A powerlifting competition. Yep, I am going to do it 😬😬. I have a good handle on nutrition for the most part. The kicker, the coach bans soda. Uhhhhhh.. Yep this is the push I needed to rid myself of the soda. I thought it was going to be harder than it has been (but then again I have been through worse things). You bet! This is definitely going in the books. Now onto getting my squats up by 75 lbs., my deads by 100 lbs. and the bench press is going to be a little bit tougher as a shoulder injury will set you back a loooong way. I'm excited, I'm motivated, I'm crazy sore, like all the time, and I am seeing improvements even after two weeks. Change is definitely good. It's cathartic. It provides for failure and triumphs. I can't wait!
Friday, March 4, 2016
Forgiveness
Tonight marks a big milestone for me. Thinking back on all that I have overcome over the past couple of years, I realize that the analogy of the "rear view mirror" rings true. How time really does heal all things. Heartache, pain, sorrow, regret. All of it. It's amazing to me to think back and realize how all of these use to surround every window and mirror and thought and action of mine. These demons consumed me. As I sit here with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart and joy in my soul, I know with my whole being that I would do it all again. I would climb that mountain. I would allow the slips and step backwards to occur because with every step backwards I eventually took twenty steps forward. Man it's beautiful up here on top. I am loving the view. I know that there will be more mountains to climb and more trials to endure but I am okay with it because I know how to do it. The view that use to be out my windshield is so far in the rear view mirror that I don't even remember what it looks like anymore. I am okay with it. I fought hard to be the person that I am and I love her. She's funny and crazy and not so smart, but that's okay with her. She multifaceted and creative and ambitious (except on Friday's). She has dreams and hopes and desires and well not much feels like it can stand in her way. Learning to forgive yourself plays a huge role in getting over who you use to be. Let it heal you. Forgive yourself. Forgive those who caused you pain and the most unbelievable heartache. I have. Now moving on...
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Snow...because it's just great!
When people find out that I absolutely love the snow, they get down right pugnacious with me. Really?! Over snow?! It can get ugly because for some reason they can't seem to grasp the fact that someone might actually like the beautiful, cleansing white stuff. Maybe I should learn to clarify my statement. I like snow! Not the cold and especially the biting cold that makes my spine ache, which it never use to before I dropped to 14% body fat. That I don't like. And after breaking my tailbone snowboarding a couple of years ago, I probably shouldn't like it at all but I do. What I like is watching it snow. Seeing how the earth changes over night. How you can hear the earth breathe when it's snowing in the forest because it is so completely silent. The way it sings of a new beginning, a new start. I love feeling it with my bare hands and watching it melt through my fingers. I love how it chills my sense of smell and allows me to breathe deep breaths of frosty, fresh air. Snow is totally awesome and I love it! Gaiman once wrote this about snow and he nails it.
"Snow...huge, dizzying, clumps and clusters of snow falling through the air, patches of white against an iron-gray sky, snow that touches your tongue with cold and winter, that kisses your face with its hesitant touch before freezing you to death. Twelve cotton-candy inches of snow, creating a fairy-tale world, making everything unrecognizably beautiful.."
"Snow....high in the atmosphere, perfect, tiny crystals that form about a minute piece of dust, each a lace-like work of unique, six-sided fractal art. And the snow crystals clump together into flakes as they fall, covering...inch upon inch……
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Friday, November 13, 2015
When inspiration HIITS
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Love
Song For Someone"
You've got a face not spoiled by beauty
I have some scars from where I've been
You've got eyes that can see right through me
You're not afraid of anything they've seen
I was told that I would feel
Nothing the first time
I don't know how these cuts heal
But in you I found a right
If there is a light
You can always see
And there is a world
We can always be
If there is a dark
That we shouldn't doubt
And there is a light
Don't let it go out
And this is a song
A song for someone
This is a song
A song for someone
You let me into a conversation
A conversation only we could make
You're breaking into my imagination
Whatever's in there is yours to take
I was told I'd feel
Nothing the first time
You were slow to heal
But this could be the night
If there is a light
You can always see
And there is a world
We can always be
If there is a dark
Within and without
And there is a light
Don't let it go out
And this is a song
A song for someone
This is a song
A song for someone
And I'm a long way
From your hill on Calvary
And I'm a long way
From where I was, where I need to be
If there is a light
You can always see
And there is a world
We can always be
If there is a kiss
I stole from your mouth
And there is a light,
Don't let it go out
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Photograph
Have you ever had those moments in your life where someone has asked you "what is your favorite movie"? Or "what is your favorite book"? Or "what is your favorite thing to eat"? (That one is easy...EVERYTHING). Most of the time I have an answer, most of the time. Maybe it's just me but I always hate when people ask me "what is your favorite song"? Um, really? There are so many good ones to choose from. I like so many different types of music. Which one to pick? Which one to pick? My answer...? "I don't have a favorite song. I like so many". That would be my answer. However...however, as I come to know myself better, I realize now that my answer should have always been, "I don't know. I don't think it has been written yet". Why? I don't know. I do know that I am not so much without a soul to not have one song that can be my favorite. To not have the rhythym and melody and movement and lyrics of the song speak to my soul so deeply that it binds itself with me and becomes "my favorite song". I am not that unfeeling. But perhaps it just had not been written yet. Oh sure, I have songs that I cherish, songs that have moved me to tears, that have me dancing in circles around my house, that take me back to days gone by but no, I would never be able to completely say that any of those songs are my favorite. Now I am just rambling. I know you are all dying to know if that "favorite" song has been written for me yet. And YES I believe it has. Ed Sheeran's "Photograph" is by far my favorite song. I LOVE IT. I Love the simple story it tells. The love it talks about. The hope that it holds within its lyrics. You could send me away with the words of this love song. It is my "FAVORITE" song. So, in conclusion, if you don't know the answer to the "what is your favorite...." question, don't feel dumb if you can't answer it. Perhaps it just doesn't exist yet. Now if only Ed would hire me to write his storylines for his music videos, we could be good friends!
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Um, these were YUMMY......
I found this delicious recipe on http://www.thecreativebite.com/steak-whipped-bleu-cheese-tacos/. They looked like something I could tweak to fit into a meal plan that I did for a client. So I had to test it out. I simply eliminated the cream cheese and used a small amount of reduced fat bleu cheese crumble. I heated the corn tortillas on my griddle (I did use a little bit of butter to crisp them up, not a ton, like seriously a little bit). Grilled my steak, sliced it up and assembled the tacos. They were YUM and they got raving reviews from everyone. Serve up some grilled veggies and there ya go!
If it seems wrong just do it....
I've been thinking about making this little change in my bathroom. Looking and watching and debating and looking more and meditating right in the middle of the door and talking myself out of it and into it and....okay really not that much effort went into this but... Really?! A Tree?! On top of a toilet back?! Yep!!! That's the best part of decorating. Break all the dang rules! It's really the only thing in your life when it's better and right to break the rules...that and Rita's Ice Cream on cheat day!!
Want to know the best part of this whole room?! The fact that I haven't changed the light fixture to fit the "beach theme" 
I don't know. It kind of feels like home to me. Besides I love the beach and I mean LOVE the beach but if there is one place on earth I'd like to spend my days, it's that nice little gorgeous piece of ground sitting atop the most beautiful mountain in my hometown. Awwww, now that's were I truly find my center. (And don't make fun of my bright, pink shirt. I love that shirt. EAT. SLEEP. BALL. Now there's a catch phrase for the NBA).
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
You have to try this....
Compliments of my sister who introduced this little treasure to me!
Um, YUMMY!! So here is how I made it to work for me and what makes me happy. Just make it so it makes you happy. For crying out loud don't torture yourself! I omitted the butter and just used straight olive oil. Instead of pasta I used spaghetti squash (no don't crinkle your nose, it's delicious. I'm NOT kidding!! It's great). I roast my squash by cutting it in half, spooning the seeds out of it, brushing some olive oil on it, sprinkle it with salt and pepper and cook it for about 30-45 minutes (depending on the size) at 350 degrees. When it's done just take a fork and start scrapping away at it. Looks just like spaghetti but it seriously tastes so much better. Yes, I use organic when it doesn't cost an arm and a leg. It tastes better but when the budget doesn't allow for it, non-organic has its place in my life too. Now the real debate is whether spaghetti squash is a fruit or vegetable....?
Monday, June 29, 2015
"All The Light We Cannot See"
No, I still like "The Book Thief" more but this was an excellent, excellent read. How grateful I am that I have never had to see the terror the human race faced during World War II. How grateful I am that I live in a country where I get to enjoy my religious freedoms, smile as others fight for their civil rights even if I disagree with them, because dang it, they can and have that freedom to do so, a country I would gladly stand up and defend no matter how much I sometimes roll my eyes at the juvenile actions of my fellow citizen. I have learned so much about life over the past 18 months. One thing I have had to learn to do is see the bigger picture, to appreciate it. To let it be my guiding light. I feel that we have lost this virtue. That most of us can only think inside the box anymore, to allow four walls to enclose all of our pain and anger and confusion inside with us. Who wants to live like that? Just stop living like that. Open the escape hatch and climb on top. Let those emotions and feelings and thoughts that have us trapped be gone. Allow the crisp feel of mountain air cleanse your skin. The smell of wildflowers invigorate the beauty and creativity within you. Allow the rain to wash you clean and let you start anew. Allow the enormity of the ocean make you realize how small you really are. Take it in. Look at the people standing outside of your box. Watch as they live lives of joy and happiness and contentment. Always remember that you can be what you want to be. Be loud, be dumb, make yourself look foolish but it is you and you alone that it effects. Sometimes if you just take a minute to stop and look at the view of the bigger world, choices are more clear, emotions are more calm, and love is more easily felt. That is what I learned from the characters in this book. They learned to live their lives with a "bigger picture" because they saw the view. Trust me the view was dismal. It was sad and dreary but they saw and heard the beauty found in the small things of this world. A snail, a story, a song, a word, a face, a smell, a bird, a smile. This book will forever remind me that we should all live in an "attitude of gratitude". As I read this book, tears coursed down my cheeks. They starved, they bled, they hid, they ran, they resisted, they mourned beyond comprehension, they fought because their very lives and the lives of those they loved depended on it. Can you imagine living that way for years!? And not just during the war but for the rest of your life? Fighters. Anyone who endured the agony of WWII is a fighter. No matter how hard life gets, no matter how much "giving up" would be the easier choice, no matter how shattered you are, you always have a little bit of fight left in you.
I am a little disappointed in myself. I totally missed the foreshadowing in this book! TOTALLY MISSED IT! I mean MISSED IT! I screamed when the prophesy was fulfilled. NOOO! That did not just happen (frantically rewinding the pages in hopes that it will change the outcome)!! But it doesn't change and my heart literally breaks, it shatters. Not as much as it has shattered before but shatter it does. Yes, the story has mostly happy endings (unlike "The Book Thief" where I was plastered to the bathroom floor in heaving sobs for hours) so it isn't that painful. In fact, if I am truly honest, it is inspiring. It is forgiving. It is what truly teaches us to love unconditionally. It takes time but eventually all sides forgive. They forgive the conflict, the pain, the memories. One thing I've learned is that forgiveness and acceptance are always attainable. Read the book. You'll enjoy it.
And remember "We rise again in the grass. In the flowers. In songs".
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Fear...
"This, she realizes, is the basis of his fear, all fear. That a light you are powerless to stop will turn on you and usher a bullet to its mark".
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